Misunderstanding versus Miss Understanding
Posted Under: Women in Business, Women, Relationships and Sexuality
Recently I was introduced to a woman. Within the first five minutes of meeting, she insulted me.
I stared ahead for a few seconds processing what had been said, trying to decide whether I had misheard. I was too close to mishear though, so wanting to defend myself I said, "I’m sorry but could you explain what you meant by that, because it sounded a little….strange." I was thinking ‘rude’ but ’strange’ came out of my mouth instead, perhaps because it was less confrontational.
As it turns out she was not insulting me, but making fun of herself. Like what happens often in life, I presumed through our conversation that she was focused totally on me and what I was saying. The reality was this woman was thinking of how our discussion related to her own life. It was a good lesson for me - not to turn the other cheek but to ask for clarity when I feel uncomfortable in a discussion. I possibly would have stewed over her comment and been angry later. Such is the power we give to total strangers sometimes.
How many times do we misunderstand others and are left angry or frustrated because we do not act? Most of us have a fear of conflict and this can cause us to remain silent and tight-lipped. We’re not sure how to address situations confidently when our feelings are hurt and instead we become defensive and this catapults into conflict regardless of our intentions.
But what about when the shoe is on the other foot? Do I always take note of my audience’s reactions and clarify my intentions if they seem unclear, confused, defensive or even negative?
I spoke about this with Tanya Bunyard who specialises in communication and conflict resolution through her business MboldN. Tanya teaches people strategies to successfully handle conflict and thus equips them with the skills to take positive action in their lives. She has this to say:
"Nobody gets awards for patiently working towards understanding others, yet this skill crowns your communication with gold.
Words can be worlds apart in meaning. Of course, we connect with others through more than words. We use our eyes, our posture and hands, tone of voice and even silence. Yet, it is the misunderstanding of words that can abruptly halt a connection or snowball a situation into a massive (and unnecessary) catastrophe.
Words can be loaded with emotional memory from previous experiences or a particularly shocking experience. Another person can have different cultural or social references to certain words which are amusing to them, but offensive to others. There are age and gender differences; even education and life experiences can alter one’s expression and perceptions.
Given the pace with which we exchange information, the pressure to get results, and noting that we are not all necessarily functioning at our professional best simultaneously, it’s no wonder confusions arise.
So - you’ve said something that falls flat: what do you do? Most people will attempt to regroup, quickly gathering their shaken self-esteem and push past the hiccup, pretending it didn’t happen. Some people just dry up. There’s always the fear of confrontation if we challenge the reaction. Others repeat themselves, louder, thinking the point will hit home second time around. Quickly, we retreat from our original attempt to connect.
Breathe a sigh of relief. You don’t have to cringe in discomfort any more. Most of us do not consciously mean to offend or distress others through our words or actions. You can minimise the impact of these accident-prone words by noting the physical response from your listener. Did he shrug? Did she wrinkle her nose? Tune in to the signals that hint at some subtext.
With the best of intentions, you can use these simple skills to re-establish communication:
Observe. "I’m sensing you don’t agree with me. Can we explore this a little more?"
Ask. By phrasing a question, "Have I offended you?", with a genuine tone, you invite them to express their feelings.
Reflect. When someone has replied, "Oh no, I’ve never done that," ask them what they might have done instead. You can rephrase their comment, "Ok, tell me what you have done differently?" This offers the listener a chance to explain their response, giving you better understanding.
In the business world, good communication is essential. Presenting your ideas, connecting with new clients, developing team performance - they all require awareness and the intention to connect well.
Unfortunately, some people remain aloof, no matter how you try to repair a misinterpretation. When this affects your job enjoyment or even business profitability, find guidance from a mentor within your business or seek professional advice. Moving past relationship issues and misunderstandings is enriching both professionally and personally.
Feel confident that you can move through mistakes and reap the rewards of patience and better connection. With the right choices and skills, your words will shine."
Have your say…
Do you think miscommunication happens often? How do you handle these situations? What techniques have worked for you? Do you avoid conflict?
Reader Comments
I really agree with this. Until I learnt how to handle conflict successfully, I was always feeling in a ‘no win’ situation. When I did, it not only had a dramatic effect of my working life but also on my private life. My relationships actually strengthened over time because I had the confidence to resolve conflict, instead of always running away from it -thus building closer more intimate relationships. This stuff is life changing.
I have worked with some terrible people over my career (and wonderful people too) I cringe when I think back to my lack of confidence and how I handled these situations. Being able to handle conflict in a professional manner is paramount to being a success in my opinion. Conflict handled badly and I still see this happen often, effects many people and is very difficult to move on.
Yes I avoid conflict. I think as women we are taught unintentionally to avoid conflict. My mum was like this and I learnt from her. She always just wanted to keep peace in the house so we were never encouraged to speak our minds or address family issues.
I have made sure with my daughter that I never let her see me run away from conflict. I act as role model and show her how to handle conflict maturely. It seems to be working too - now if she is upset with me, I am delighted when she wants to discuss it.
There are some great points here, and I love the title. Before I learnt about how everyone processes information and therefore their life experiences through their own filters (Values, Beliefs, Memories, Language etc) I was absolutely stomping on feelings left, right and centre. I assumed that everyone appreciated what I saw as openness, honesty and humor in the same way.
For me the key is to remember everyone has a different map of reality so chances are you aren’t being insulted at all. Simply check in, and ask what was meant. “I’m not sure I understood you just then. To me it sounded like you were saying….” Wouldn’t you rather someone checked in with you, than go away thinking negative thoughts about you?
Communication is at the forefront of life skills. People often take things personally and they would do this nbecause of their own personal history.
When you take something personally you take that energy into your person which is why you don’t feel so good about it.
Most things aren’t about you and often the other person is communicating consciously or unconsciously a story about them.
The moment I think of the word “conflict” it creates an uneasy feeling in my tummy. Its such an emotionally charged word in itself and for many brings up experiences of the past that may have been memorable for all the wrong reasons.
Until a few years ago I avoided conflict like the plague. Then one day I thought this is crazy why am I doing this. So I did a little soul searching, asked myself some great questions and realised that it wasn’t conflict I was fearful of it was rejection. I was terrified that if I challenged someone they would reject me, so I avoided conflict at all costs.
Perhaps like me its not actually conflict you are fearful of but what you think will happen as a result of the conflict.
We all have a fear of rejection and when mis communicaton is heard straight away we aim to defend ourselves. It is always best to ask the person to repeat what they say. Our body language will always speak when we are confronted in the situation. Always best to clarife the conversation, have a laugh and learn. Many a sleepless night can come from this situations.
It is usually a rare occasion where, in the first five minutes of meeting someone new, I am not left feeling insulted. I often wonder what is going through the minds of people who, upon first meeting me, feel the need to comment on my height. Having lived in my body for 42 years, I am fully aware of my size. Yet, for some reason, some people feel the need to comment - “Oh my God! I can’t believe how short you are”, or “What’s the weather like ‘down there’, or “Look how tiny you are”, or “Do you know how short you are … I mean seriously … you are really short, aren’t you”? or “You know, you were my first choice for the position, but I have decided not to give you the job, because after all, you are just a wee thing”!!! Clearly, what they don’t appear to realise is that these comments have had a significantly negative effect on my self esteem over the years. Perhpas if they did realise, they might think before they speak. Sometimes it seems that what they are saying is that a few extra inches would somehow make me ‘enough’ for them. I admit, I am short … I just made 5 ft. But it becomes very difficult to know what to say to people who feel they have the right to remind me of my ‘lack of stature’ on a what sometimes seems, a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like responding with “Oh my God, I can’t believe you would let yourself get so fat … you do realise how fat your are, don’t you?” or “How do you possibly run your own business with such a big nose”? But for some reason, these comments would be considered rude, unacceptable, inappropriate. So, I don’t make them. I just stew, for days, because the words that were spoken to me are loaded with emotional memories from past hurtful experiences, and each time I seem to have recovered from the most recent comment, another will be made, and the process starts all over again. So, if by chance you happen to meet a ’short’ person in the near future, can I assure you, they already know how short they are, and don’t need reminding. And, mark my words, you will definately not be the first person to bring it to their attention - maybe number 56,987! If, in the near future, you do happen to comment on the short stature of someone you meet, please don’t be surprised if they appear defensive or offended. And, if by chance, you decide to repeat yourself, “louder, thinking the point will hit home second time around” because they may have been too short to hear you from ‘up there’, please don’t be shocked if it happens to be me you are speaking to, and you don’t like what I end up saying back to you!
I have certainly developed my communication style in relationships. My family (particularly father and sister) are big communicators, that would present as conflict but they always talked it out afterwards. I can’t say it came easily to me from the beginning. But after a lifetime in the house of observing and participating, add maturity and life experiences - it has become a lot easier and I have learnt that communication and conflict are not the same thing. Now, both professionally and personally I am more comfortable to assert myself if I feel uncomfortable with what has been said. Furthermore, I have found that relationships strengthen with it, it doesn’t have to end in conflict, and if it does, there is nothing like talking it out.
I am often described as being blunt or at least very honest - a blessing and a curse it seems. In many situations I didn’t realise the impact of my words on others. Fortunately I have friends that, in very loving ways let me know when I am being “too blunt” and I have learnt to think about how others will feel before I speak. I guess my level of compassion has increased.