A mother knows these things
Posted Under: Women and Motherhood
Feeling like you are a good mum is fundamentally important to any mother.
Motherhood therefore is fraught with expectations, not only self expectations but those of others. As women are having children much later there is often the stressful productive challenge of trying to conceive and once your bundle of joy is in your arms, you step into a role that other women have been doing since the beginning of time. In my limited experience, this role carries with it heavy baggage for a new mum.
A good mum is supposed to be tremendous at everything. She knows instinctively how to do things for her baby. Right? Not the case actually, becoming a new mum is a struggle for some women. Many women after childbirth have to cope with severe anxiety, depression, regular panic attacks and feeling a sense of failure at not being ‘better’.
Women experience much conditioning around motherhood. We learn early in life that all women are supposed to be maternal and want a family; all women are kind and enjoy giving to others; having a child will fulfil a woman on every level; all women should instinctively know what to do when their new born baby is crying etc. How do we ever get out of the house with such stereotypes and unrealistic expectations?
The confusion and shame of post-natal depression is overwhelming and many women still unfortunately still suffer in silence. Although now more common and very treatable, it is still difficult for many women to discuss openly. I am not sure why but it I think it comes back to this conditioning, “What is wrong with me, I should be a better mother?”
That is why I was happy to recently meet a woman who is trying to assist new mums and put to rest those old ideas that women are supposed to know everything about caring for their newborn.
The shrieking sound of a newborn baby crying is alarming for any person, even though babies need to communicate through crying. The matter is far more excruciating when it is your own baby screaming. When this crying is continual, uninterrupted for long periods and there is no consoling the baby, the effects on mum and baby take on deeper physiological and psychological effects.
Anne Thistleton aka The Baby Calmer is pioneering a new approach to calming babies here in Brisbane.
Anne holds both a Masters of Education and a Masters of Counselling from Australian Catholic University and has also completed post-graduate training in Expressive Therapies. “In my final year at ACU we had a guest lecturer, an internationally known expert in the area of treating depression. I hadn’t yet decided how I might like to work in the counselling field, until he mentioned how post-natal depression is an increasingly under-disclosed and under-treated disorder for many women. This information led me to examine the many causes of post-natal depression in women, and I found that post-natal depression is highly co-related with infant crying and maternal exhaustion.”
Anne began researching infant crying and maternal exhaustion and came across the work of American Paediatrician and Child Development Specialist Dr Harvey Karp. His research and teachings indicate that although baby’s nine months (or three trimesters) inside a woman is a time of unbelievably complex development, in many ways, some babies aren’t always really ready to be born after three trimesters in the womb.
Soon after learning about this new approach a former work colleague of Anne’s was experiencing severe stress and exhaustion as a result of several weeks of trying everything possible to settle her inconsolable new baby. She knew about Anne’s research and asked her for help.
“After only a few minutes, her screaming six week old baby was calm and relaxed in her mother’s arms, and for the first time in a month, took a full bottle and slept for more than ten minutes. The baby’s mother kept looking at her watch and couldn’t believe it when one and a half hours had gone by and her usually screaming baby was still calm … and still asleep.”
“When parents learn how to calm their crying baby, their confidence increases, as well as their desire to spend more quality time bonding with their baby,” says Anne.
Many women feel they should have been able to do this instinctually and feel guilty when they can’t stop their baby crying. “Calming a crying baby is not something that we know how to do by instinct alone. Instinct tells us that we need to pay attention to our baby’s crying, and that it really upsets us to hear our baby cry, but calming a crying baby is a skill. And as with most skills, it needs to be learnt.”
A baby crying not only affects the mum and the baby, but also relationships with spouses, other siblings and often evokes uninvited interference from others trying to ‘help out’. Often all this attention only adds to the mums feeling of frustration, inadequacy and despair.
Through learning techniques to calm and soothe their baby, mums can take back control and start to build their confidence again. It’s important to dispel myths surrounding motherhood so more women can come forward and talk honestly.
( www.thebabycalmer.com.au)
Are there other myths you feel should be dispelled? Have you experienced problems like this before? How did you cope with having a newborn in your care? Did you experience post natal depression?
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Reader Comments
When I had my daughter I had a panic attacks for the first 3 months. I was someone who was so skilled in coping in all areas of my life and having this tiny baby, well I thought I would just take it in my stride. In fact I had the opposite experience. I was completely overwhelmed and out of my depth and felt guilty that I did not know how to do things. Luckily for me I have a very caring partner who saw me struggling and took control until I got on top of things.
I have seen my friends cope and not cope so well with motherhood. There is a lot of stress and a sense of failure when you can’t do it all on your own. We all need help sometimes, it is a shame more new mums don’t ask for it, when they really need it. It is the same old ‘suffer in silence’ mentality that has help women back for a long time.
It was funny, when I had my first baby, my friend was pregnant also. I expected her to be a wonderfully confident mum and for me to be struggle. It ended up being the opposite. For her it did not come easy and looking back it was lucky that I was there to help. She is a wonderful mother but initially it was overwhelming, where as for me it was not. I learnt a lot through this about how different women react in different situations.
I agree, there is nothing like your screaming baby to get the heart racing and even your tears flowing. Luckily my second was much calmer, is that a result of me being more in control and more relaxed second time around? Who knows?
Motherhood definitely teaches you a thing or two about yourself.
I did have postnatal depression with my first child. My husband has anxiety and depression, so unfortunately we struggled because we weren’t able to support each other. I learnt 2 things:
1. it takes a village to raise a child, and
2. trust your own instincts
there is a wonderful lady called Pinky McKay and her books are just brilliant, and something she says is so true - you need to surround yourself with people who empower your choices as a parent, after all, no one knows your baby (or toddler, or school aged child etc) better than you do - otherwise they’d be someone else’s baby!!
I found attachment parenting principals and breastfeeding support really helped me-they were MY choices and as soon as I found people who wholeheartedly supported MY choices it all fell into place!!
Having a new born can become an emotional rollercoaster ride.New endless emotions that you have never experienced before take you by surprise. What you thought would be a wonderful loving time with this precious new life can become a ticking timebomb turning what was once organized living into absolute kaos! This is true for most new mums. It is great to read articles like this Kylie, as I feel it is important for all new Mums to have a forum like Brisbane Woman to be able to discuss these topics and find friendly help at hand, and importantly to know that you are not the only one alone in all this!!
Hi Kylie,wonderful review as always.
My wonderful daughter, Zoe wants to subscribe too.
What a wonderful, exciting, scary, mind-blowing time. I was fortunate enough not to experience post-natal depression but I definitely had post-natal exhaustion! Having my Mum there for the first few weeks was a blessing. It really helps to be surrounded by loving, helpful people. I found new friends at the local baby-care clinic and we created a playgroup and have been friends ever since. Having friends all experiencing similar things really helps ‘normalize’. You discover that you’re not the only crazy Mum out there!!
Well - the time goes so quickly and now I’m not worried about their separation anxiety I’m worried about my own! My little bundle of joy has just driven off to schoolies…. but I guess that can wait for another column!
I was an older first time mother who faced all the difficulties - IVF, C-section, inability to breastfeed, reflux baby, no family support, husband worked 6 days a week and long hours. I was expected to cope as I was a successful career woman. I was ready to hand this new baby over to someone else to care for as I had never felt so inadequate in my life. I was not diagnosed with post-natal depression simply because I refused to acknowledge there was anything wrong with me and did not seek help. I felt I had to cope no matter what! My experience was similiar with my second child. What I learnt through creating my family is to never be ashamed of not coping and never be too proud to seek help.
I haven’t had a baby, so I haven’t experienced post-natal depression, but I can certainly imagine it being one of the scariest times as a woman.
Why should parenthood be thought of as “instinctive” anyway? All the important parts of our lives are taught to us.
I hope that if I have a baby I have the confidence to be a good mother, but know that if I’m struggling, then I have the confidence to get help too.
I suffered severe post natal depression 22 years ago the birth of my 2nd child, & don’t believe much has changed since then unfortunately. I agree with Anne that a crying problem & maternal exhaustion helps or begins it, it did in my case. I had coped well first time around (that wasn’t taken in consideration though & that child was 3 years & 4 months when the next was born. My baby had 2 medical conditions, the silent reflux preventing any sleep forthe first year.
I found a support group closeby & it was helpful but my psychiatrist was the only support I had as know one wanted to even talk about this because it is classified as “oh she just can’t cope” meaning she is hopeless, so who would both to even offer to help or try & understand & suppport Even my friends & family didn’t want to know, in fact family were the worst,as they had had many children each & had never heard of this “strange complaint”. I researched as much as I could, but that was depressing too - especially the part that offered no hope-when would one get better? I believe that it needs to be discussed well before baby is due & by all looking after the mother because it is much too late in the future. The home I gained respite in for 3 weeks was an absolute godsend, but the so few places for so many needy mothers that it is ridiculous. So all in the health industry, learn as much as possible about this condition,have compassion so you can help.
Please can anyone tell me, who is addressing the bigger issue of motherhood… that issue being that we are no longer coached into the role of motherhood. It seems most of us are doing it alone. We are taught to do everything else in our lives except the most important job of all. I would love to unite all those people out there who are proactively teaching the skills required to be a mother but I can’t find them? Why are they so hard to find? Our culture is letting us (mothers) down by its economical nature and I want to do something to change it… but where do you start? Why do the stereotypes exist? and why can’t we change them?